Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Unable to do anything.
I apply to jobs but don’t take them if they select me. And it’s not that I don’t want to. It’s like I can’t, it’s like I’m incapable, unable and just don’t have even an ounce of confidence or willpower or energy to do it. And everything is right over my head. I’ve barely just balanced my life like rocks on top of each other that don’t fit and I’m just barely holding it all together and I’m not sure I can’t hold myself together, let alone everything else (family, partner etc) I am in a toxic relationship, that I am unable to get out of (just because of my own trauma bonds and the lack of self respect or self I have.) My parents have always been ah! I don’t wanna put a label but to say the least very conditional with their time, affection, money, and everything and I haven’t lived with them since I was 6 yrs old but they have almost control of my life and the rest my partner/ temp. Friend tbh (we’ve broken up long ago, but he keeps forgetting, i become normal and he punches my gut with silence and control and everything so not exactly partners but liabilities living with each other I guess) and i don’t feel like doing anything and I don’t even have the courage/resources etc to die. I’ve done that a few times in the past and because I didn’t die i had to deal with the shame of being a coward from my mother and some more people. And there is so much more. I’m barely scratching the surface here. I can’t live with my parents, I can’t live with this person, I have no friends left (isolated and coercively controlled, have had toxic partners for my whole life and years spent with each isolation only increase and my ability to be my own person vanished/degraded to a level of nil)
I wish I could start again, be a kid again and not make the mistakes I’ve made. No trust the people i trusted, not ignore the shit I should have taken as clear signs to save myself etc etc. But I’m here. This is my condition and there seems to be no out.
Please help me if you can, although I think there is nothing but to accept abuse i guess or just start walking one day, just by myself and stop once I’m tired and sleep there forever till i don’t exist anymore.