Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

HELP, IM SO FCKING LOST.
Hi, Me, 22M am having problems regarding my parents, mostly my father and these issues have been going on since the day I was born. My mom was 19 when I was born, both her and my dad were drugabusers, drinkers and just young and dumb. My dad was also in a supportgang to Hells Angels and was thrown in jail for 4 years right after I was born. I was still under a year old when my mom met a new man, a good man, who took care of her and me for many upcoming years.

To not mix them together, my biological dad will be called “Dad” and the new man will be called “Stepdad” I guess.

While my Dad was in jail, my mom convinced me that my stepdad was my real dad, I grew up knowing him as my father and he was the one raising me to become the man I am today. When I was 4 years old, my Dad was released and went to visit me, he wanted to have me in his life again. Long story short: He moved from city to city, even to the neighbor country and back, and I was supposed to visit him every 2nd weekend. But many times he would lie about work and such, to be able to drink and party, both with alcohol and cocain. He would always say it was work or vacation, but for many years when he was “on vacation” he was actually in jail again, multiple times. He told me he was my real dad when i was like 10 or 11, and since then i’ve felt bound to be in his life. We always had such a good time when we were together, we would play xbox, watch movies, run in the snow in just boxers, like he was that funny dad every kid wanted. He made me feel so listened too, and appreciated. As meanwhile my Mom and Stepdad were having a tough few years where attention to me and my younger siblings would be less-noticible, basically when my mom and stepdad went through a divorce when i was 11, they lost all attention to me and my siblings, and during this time my Dad was there having fun with me, every 2nd weekend. A bad habit my Dad always had, was lie and make promises that he cannot uphold. He would always say “we’ll see eachother this weekend” lie. “We’ll go do this and that” lie. Maybe 50% of the times we were supposed to hang out and build a relationship, he would lie about what he did or break the promise with me to go party, illegal work or being short time in jail again. At the age of 14, my stepdad and mom were divorced and didnt live together, I still lived at my stepdads home, i would still call him my father, and he would still be the one i always came to when i had problems. My Dad would still come and pick me up every 2nd weekend when he didnt lie about his life, and we still had a great time. But he decided to move far away from me, and my mom had a discussion over facebook with him over my profile. Basically it felt like my mom manipulated me to say stuff like “i never want to see you again” to him over text, she basically decided which words came out of my mouth. I had never felt more Lost and anxious at the same time before. Few months later, my Dad would start seeing me more rarely, it wouldnt be every 2nd weekend now, it would be once a month, then maybe once every 1.5 months and so on, he would still call me once a week and we would talk for like 1 hour, i still felt like i was his son and he loved me. When i was 17, he decided to move out on an island around 5-6 hours travel time away from me, and live there with his new girlfriend and get two daughters. Now i only saw him once every 6 months, he would call every 2nd or 3rd month only and talk for like 20 minutes and that was it. He kept saying he was proud of me breaking the pattern of criminality in our family, as i was a good kid in school. During this time my stepdad was very stressed and depressed, I just didnt know, but he didnt spend time with me and my siblings, he would just cook food and leave us alone, apparently he got in a $200.000 dept from the divorce and he lost our house we lived in. He started drinking daily now, my Dad stopped contacting me and my Mom just spent time with her newest son she got with her newest boyfriend. I was in a depressive state, i felt lost and that was the first time i had suicidal ideations, i didnt think " im gonna kill myself" but i thought stuff like “what if i wasnt alive? is it worth to go through all this pain?” This behavoir from all my parents went on until 2020. My mom and i got better relationship, we have good talks and she started being very supportive, about time when you think about the past few years she’s been wanting me out of the home because she couldnt stand a “teenager” living like a teenager in her home. The fact that my mother wanted me out of the house so bad, was probably where my suicidal ideations really kicked in. This happened from 2017-2019. Though after 2019, i moved out and as said before, our relationship started to be better, like we talk, we help eachother and she’s being a very good mother towards all my siblings and me. My Dad is still on the island, just living his own life, calling me 2 times a year. My stepdad is a daily drinker now, he lost his job, his house and had to find some job to support himself and his family. My stepdad now began to treat me and my siblings like trash since 2019, well, when he was drunk he would. He would complain about our generation, complain that we dont work as hard as he did, he would say we were dumb, stupid and that he didnt have hopes for our generation. But like my mother, my stepdads behaviour started to be better a few months ago. He drank at a family gathering, but got so drunk that he started saying dumb shit to my sister and brothers, he disowned my sister over the phone because she left the family gathering. The day after that i was furious, i have never been a violent person or an angry person, but i woke up the day after, ate breakfast and took the bus to his apartment. I stood outside the door for 10-15 mintutes just looking at it while almost crying, in a split seconds i got so heated and angry i kicked his front door up and threw and kicked all his belongings, he came out of his room hungover and scared of what was happening. I yelled at him, said if he every says some shit like that to my siblings again, i would beat him the f*ck up and ruin everything he owns, and take my siblings with me and be their “dad” instead you know. I told him if he every drinks a beer again, just anything with alcohol really, I would never let him see his kids again. I said “I dont care about our relationship anymore, I have already been failed by one dad, i can take one more. But if your actions bring the same mental issues upon my siblings as my Dads actions did to me, you will regret you ever took me into your life, I will do everything in my power to actually beat you into the ground, and leave you with nothing in the world, like the sad and lonely man you are” then left.

Ever since that day, 4 months ago, he have been alcohol free, he has become healthy and he has become the good dad he was many years ago again. We talk about my little “episode” now and he learned from it, he’s glad i reacted as i did, or else he knows he wouldve just kept drinking. He’s such a good man now, and im happy he’s here with us now.

My Dad came yesterday to visit our family, he didnt tell me anything at all, i saw on my cousins snapstory that he was with them , drinking, having fun. I decided to suprise him by coming uninvited, as i know this side of the family loves me very much and would always let me in. I enter the door and my dad looks scared. He had just done a line of cocain and was scared shitless that i was gonna act upon it, i decided not to and we had a great night, i was happy he was here. He promised me to come over today, see my apartment and catch up on life with eachother. Everything went well and i went home later that night. Today i wake up to a text from him with another excuse, he’s hungover cus he couldnt handle all the alcohol, maybe we could see eachother tomorrow morning for 2 hours instead? I was furious again, remember, i have NEVER been a violent type, but i let my frustrations come out on my belongings, i punched doors and all that, i broke my knuckle aswell. Stupid i know. But again, at age 45 or something like that, my Dad cant even keep a promise with his only son in the world. He didnt hold back on the alcohol, he didnt think about it, he just gave it his all, and now he doesnt have time for me, again… I told him im tired of this behvaiour and he knows it, im not a kid anymore, im an adult. But somehow i feel too weak to take actions and do something… my Mom hates him, she has good reason to, she wants me to either build a relationship with him or leave him out of my life. Im 22, and these actions still haunt me, i fucking still think “what if i wasnt alive” “what if i died today” is it because of my parents? idk what it is and im too broke to afford any therapists or psycologitst or whatever it is… help me please

My question to you, the reader, is: What do you think i should do? I overcame a 5year diagnosed depression caused by my parents, and i came out stronger on the other side, but i dont feel like i have anyone near me right now… and i wanna act on these actions by my Dad…

Have you been in a similar situation?
What should i do with my Dad?
I will feel guilty if i take him out of my life, but will it be worth it?

jsut any reply will help honeslty. For the first time in many months, i feel almost broken again, and today i had my very first suicidal thought, not ideation, full out thought. I need guidance that i cannot afford or get from my family. The thought was probably most in the heat of the moment, cus i dont think of it now, now i just want answers, guidance, help, advice, you know, that stuff