Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Hellu :)
First I wanna say that I am not seeking for attention or pity. I just feel like that for years now and figured that maybe some people in this world feel the same and are hopeless, because from my personal experience I’ve never met another person that felt the way I did.
And the second thing I wanna mention is that I will talk about self harm, suicidal thoughts, self hate, ect. Please don’t continue reading, if u get triggered by these topics!
I hope u enjoy reading:)

10/05/21

I am addicted to my sadness. I feel like I‘m feeling nothing but so much at the same time. I just want to disappear. Die in an accident, not caused by me. Like a car accident.
I was depressed for years now and it‘s beginning to vanish. I want it to stay. What am I without it? Who will I be and who am I anyways?
I hate these basic thoughts. I just want to die, please. I hate myself. I don‘t want to be happy. Society always tells u to “Love yourself, no matter what.” all the time. It’s supposed to help us, to help me. Make us feel less worthless. They are trying to help me but it makes me hate myself even more, because I hate them say this. I am criticizing these wonderful people who just wanted to make my life easier, even tho they have better things to do. Why am I like that?
Other people have it harder than me. My friends for example.
but I just want to be depressed. I don’t want to be happy. I want to die.
I feel like Im just acting to be depressed, lying to myself that I have symptoms. But I actually have them. I’ve had depression for the last 3 years now. I can’t trust myself anymore. I never could.
I want to cry but I can’t. I want to harm myself again but I can’t. I want to die but I can’t.
I don’t want my family and friends to worry about me, even tho I’m not sure if they would. Maybe they are shocked at the beginning, but in the end they wouldn’t care. I mean, why would they care?

I feel so stupid, so ignorant. But don’t I have to be clever to have these kind of thoughts? I can’t do maths. I‘m avoiding my friends. I hate my friends. I want to make them jealous. I don’t deserve them.

I hate myself. I want to disappear. I’m scared of being reborn. I want to never be born again. I wish I was never born. I hate this world. I hate myself so much, it makes me numb. I love it. I want more of this empty feeling.
I want to be special but not being seen. I want to die. Please. I hope it’s all an illusion. That I am never born. Why did I have to be born? Why? I hate this feeling of being alive. I wish, I would’ve never existed. I want to die.
Why am I in this world?

Thank u so much for reading all this. It means so much to me.
And again, I am not expecting any answers or anything like that. If u want to reply, that’s great but don’t feel forced. :) I just hope that I could help anyone feeling less alone and less miss understood. Have a good day everyone. Take care of urself <3 (Im kind if scared to post thisss welp-)