Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Hey! I would love to talk to you about it. Please let me know if you are willing to.

It’s just there are certain things which I am constantly saying no too and it’s just there habits which don’t wanna change and they also know that’s it’s not good
And than it’s constantly getting piled up And now it’s look like they knowingly do it and my anger has started to burst out
Which I feel bad about but unable to control

How much I can relate to it! That’s absolutely true. So, how are you learning to cope with this situation?

Hey! I totally understand what you must be going through. I would love to talk to you if you are okay with it.

Those words are really helping. Thank you so much!

I think I’m more willing to talk about whether it’s all in my head or am I just more self aware that I have been able to notice their toxic parenting and call them out for it?

I just need some sort of validation that hey, what you are feeling is completely valid and okay. And that’s hard to get from anywhere because parenting is such a taboo topic to talk about openly.

Yeah, it’s both. So that people like us can express themselves openly and we can be each other’s support through these similar tough times.

Through your words you seem like you have been in this situation since a long time and now have found a way out by making peace with it. That’s why it’s ironical that you asked for any advice from me, haha. Tbh, it’s been almost 10 months since I realised that the way my parents have been behaving with me since the start is pure toxicity, nothing else. And in those 10 months mostly, I tried to change them and make them see things from my pov i.e. to transform them into someone who’s more empathetic and understanding but all in vain. Now, I think I’m past the “trying to change them or talk to them” phase and the next step that I would like to conquer is, accepting it and letting it be. And I’m finding it really hard tbh because I keep going through each day with this hope that maybe they will understand it eventually after seeing my suffering and indifference toward them but ik in my heart, that day is never gonna come. It’s a really harsh truth that I need to accept but I just cannot because they are my parents and I’m supposed to have a healthy, loving relationship with them which isn’t the reality. And that hurts me like hell. So, that pain is actually hindering me from coming to terms with it and letting it be/go. It’s constantly making me yearn for something that’s never gonna happen and that’s keeping me trapped in a cycle. And I so want to get out of that.

Yeah, this is definitely hard work plus through this I’m just able to reach like .0001% of people out there who are going through the same situation like us. Hence, I’m thinking of channeling this pain into something bigger later on that would have a farther reach to people like me.

If it comes to my advice to you, all that I have learnt from this experience is that you need time, ample of it. And don’t force it, otherwise the process of healing will not get completed if you hurry things. And we try to do that because it’s so hard to be in this zone where at one time you think you are immune to it now and then the next moment, you break down due to it. So, of course nobody would like to be in this constant hurtful phase BUT it’s really necessary because it will help you in eventually purging out all the grief you have been holding inside since months. It’s a fine balance you know. You need to let those sadful feelings run through your body so as to let it out of your system but you need to make sure that that path doesn’t lead you to over victimizing yourself too because if that happens, you will never be able to heal.

Thank you for all your advice. I’m deeply thankful. 💙 And I hope if in future again I need your help because ik it will definitely help me in sailing through this tough situation, I can count on you?

Also, I have a question. Now that I’m aware of this situation and they are kinda too through my behavior (though I’m the one who’s blamed for that - “clinging” onto any argument till a long time as they have never thought of apologising to me), I’m not sure how to behave around them anymore. I find it hard to go back to the normal, happy, fun self around them because ik it won’t take much time before we have another argument and I go back to being the distant self. So, I have been acting muted, distant and expressionless around them but that also doesn’t feel too normal to me because in the end they blame me for that kind of behavior.

So, I wanted to ask when once you are aware of your parents’ toxicity, (and they also kinda know what I’m upset at) how should I behave around them? Should I be engaging or just detached, inside out?

Yeah, it does answer it! Plus I think with time I will find a way to behave around them which isn’t too emotional but detached too. It’s just that when I act too distant they also act exactly like that as you mentioned and that causes resentment on my part. So, I am trying to find a middle ground here where I act normal but not in an attached way. And I think that will come with experience and time.

Thank you so much for your advice and help! Please, know that I’m also here for you if you ever feel like venting out or seeking an opinion. Treat it as a mutual growth bond. 💙

No problem at all. Glad to be of some help to you! But I’m afraid to say I couldn’t interpret what you are trying to say here or seek my advice on? You want the other party to leave you alone without conveying it in verbal form?

Tbh, I have tried it myself if you are asking in the context of asking your toxic parents to leave you alone and stop bothering you. And it didn’t work for me. What I did was that after a certain argument that I had with them, I just emotionally closed myself off to them totally and it’s quite evident from my behavior too. So, of course they noticed. But instead of apologising to me, they blamed me for acting like that and taking it all too seriously even though they somewhere knew that they were wrong too. But I was made to feel bad/guilty for feeling hurt after their behaviour which just projects their own insecurity and ego. So, in order to regain my peace of mind because they weren’t letting me be emotionally detached and irresponsive on the outside (because it makes them feel guilty for their wrongdoing which they don’t wanna feel so they end up blaming you fot feeling like that, lol), I had to start behaving normal around them again like everything is fine. But on the inside I keep reminding myself everyday that even if they are being super nice right now, they can easily turn ugly the very next moment so don’t budge or melt on the inside at all because they will always be toxic. Just act nice on the outside for your mental peace.

So, the summary is that I tried pushing them away but eventually they somehow found a way to even make that a living hell for me too. So, I gave up and just let them be. I started engaging normally on the outside to show them that we are on good terms but stopped feeling any kind of affection on the inside toward them at all.

Toxic parents don’t like it when you make them feel guilty for how they behaved with you. So their strategy is ultimately to dump that all back on you and make you feel guilty for feeling bad.

There’s never been a way out for me when it comes to pushing them away considering we all love under the same roof. Also, they don’t take it well because it feels like a personal attack for them. But I definitely have my boundaries with them in terms of the extent of engaging and sharing stuff. I don’t take the initiative to talk mostly, they do. And just pretend to laugh at their stuff on the outside when on the inside I keep reminding myself about their toxicity.

So, if your parents are okay not talking to you for ages and still functioning normally, that’s great. You can be successful in asking them to stay away coz they will happily do it themselves. But if they are somewhat like mine who don’t understand personal space and importance of boundaries, just letting it be can prove helpful, they way I approached it.

*LIVE under the same roof
*Blaming you FOR feeling like that

Sorry for the typos. They don’t offer post editing, somehow.

Lol, if I push mine away they turn more rude and disrespectful toward me. Quite opposite of yours.
I really liked the family concept though. That even if they are really close to us, we shouldn’t just assume that they are the same as us. Infact, we should see them as completely different individuals with their own choices and decisions. I think the association is automatically assumed because we are their children so, we see ourselves as a reflection of them and eventually end up thinking, why aren’t they like us then? Why they can’t be? And that ultimately provokes the vain efforts on our side to try to change them.
No problem at all. 💙 Sorry for the late replies though, I have been running a bit busy with work.

Yes, you are right. I CAN enforce strong internal boundaries and detach myself from them completely. But the thing is, I am forced to live with them for now due to the covid situation 24*7, under the same roof for god knows how long. And I just don’t want to turn too hostile and rather have an amicable environment at home so that I don’t need to expend too much of my mental health in fighting with them everyday. Because when I detach myself from them, instead of accepting their part in it and apologizing, they try to pin the blame on me for acting like that and turn too cold toward me which is tbh, equivalent to having a fight every few minutes in a day. Plus I don’t want to get to that stage where my bond with them is completely broken. Idk why but I’m guessing that once I move out permanently, the distance will definitely make it better for me to handle them and if things can work that way, why go to the extreme?

But I’m working on enforcing strict boundaries and letting them know that they can’t use their parent card and emotionally blackmail me into doing stuff for them that I don’t want to do. Or manipulate me into it by using guilt.

One thing that I would like to ask you is, how does one keep his/her self-esteem intact while being with a set of toxic parents? Because mine don’t leave a single chance to make me feel bad about myself. They belittle me, demean me and my achievements, compare me to other “ideal children” who are supposedly better than me and mock me for my shortcomings. Infact, they never leave a single chance to shame me and make me feel that I would never be enough. Due to all this, my self-esteem is really the lowest right now. One comment from them and I break down, second guessing myself. And this has also seeped into my bonds with some of my close people where a slight disagreement hits my self-confidence like anything. And that’s why I really wanna get to that stage where my parents’ opinion about me doesn’t dictate my self worth and value as an individual. Any suggestions for that?

Hey. Sorry for the late reply. But all these days I was pondering over what you said and you are right. I tried being diplomatic with them considering I’m being forced to live with them for now but it worked only sometimes. Other times when I enforced strong boundaries with them, they just made me feel guilty for it and shamed me for the same.

I think you are right. You can never have an amicable bond with toxic people. It’s the best when you completely cut them off. It’s just I don’t have any choice for now so, I can’t distance myself from them physically. As they say, you cannot heal in the same environment that harmed you so, I’m also finding it pretty hard to heal right now. The moment I feel I’m stronger now, they drag me back to the square one by triggering me. And I’m tired of it now, tbh. They don’t leave a single chance to push on my boundaries and disrespecting them. And it takes every ounce of strength in me to not react to their harsh words and answer them back. Because it’s done me no good ever. All they have done is blame me for everything and never introspect.

Facing the guilt and shame they subject me to is really heart breaking and makes me feel weak at times too when I take it personally and think about giving into their requests but I try to be strong. Braving it is hard as hell but I try everyday to be a bit more immune than yesterday and letting it go, thinking it’s not worth my energy.

Thank you so much. Actually, I graduated last year and started working right away. But due to the pandemic, I couldn’t relocate to my work place and was forced to stay with my parents. And the same has been stretched till present because of the deteriorating conditions outside plus my office isn’t calling me back as well. So, obviously I stay in contact with them the whole time throughout the day.

Their toxicity comes forward in the form of guilting me because I said no to some kind of personal work of theirs and put myself above them, they demean my job and belittle me for it just because it’s not the one they wanted for me, they bodyshame me even publicly because I gained a little weight over pandemic, they always keep scolding me unnecessarily for the things that I didn’t even do and literally blame me and get upset if I don’t do a single thing according to them like sleeping, eating, exercising, working. They try to control/manipulate me through fear, threats, blaming, guilt, shame and if they don’t get their way which they don’t usually because I have enforced strong boundaries, they get angry and all “disappointed” with me. No matter how much I do for them, they are never appreciative of the same and dismiss it by saying, but that’s your duty. It’s never enough for them. Never.

I had been pleasing them since my childhood till my adolescence by submitting to their every will and then only I was the world’s best daughter to them. Now after college when I have developed my own views and opinions, I am the worst daughter ever even though nothing that I did or do is disrespectful or completely rude toward them. Just because I’m not their little, good, obedient girl anymore.

Their love and support for me is deeply conditional. If I satisfy certain criteria, only then I’m a good daughter. This thinking got ingrained even in my mind unconsciously that I’m a bad daughter and don’t deserve to live under their roof or eat their food at all, to the extent that I started feeling extremely guilty for it. A few days back only I realised that THEY made me believe it even though I did absolutely nothing to be called a bad child. And I deserve every bit of their resources. The only thing “wrong” that I do in their eyes is having different opinions or choosing different things than them. That’s it. I don’t see anything criminal or morally/ethically wrong in that, that they try to threaten me for the same in order to control me.

Sometimes I feel extreme pity for them. That look at these people, they think that whatever they are doing is always right and they are literal gods on this earth who have no flaws at all and are perfect. Huh, what they don’t know is that they are full of insecurities, ignorance, cowardice to that extent that they absolutely fear introspection and admitting to their mistakes.

Sometimes I still crave for their love and support but ik that the harsh truth is I will never get it. I will never have a normal relationship with my parents like the other people around me do and tbh, seeing that around me makes me feel extremely jealous of those people and yearn for the same, that why I can’t have a healthy, loving, unconditional relationship with my parents too? What did I ever do wrong to not deserve any of that? I’m literally the best child anyone can ask for - I’m mature, kind, empathetic, strong, emotionally intelligent, hardworking, ambitious, beautiful, smart, understanding, honest. Then why didn’t I get blessed with a loving and supportive relationship by god?

Hey! Sorry for replying late. Thank you so much! Can you please let me know if there’s an online support group or something for this? I do need therapy for this but where I live, therapy is pretty expensive and I cannot afford it for now. Free therapist options are there for the same but then you cannot have continuous sessions with just one of them and then, it gets exhausting explaining your situation to a new therapist every other day.

Yeah, I’m trying to worry less about it and take it less seriously by thinking that this is a temporary setup. I read, write, walk, journal, watch stuff in my free time generally.

I will give this woebot a try. It seems promising. Thank you for the suggestion!

Thank you for the website suggestion! I will go through it.

I’m loving Woebot, tbh. It’s not a specific solution to my problem but it’s been proving as a great tool in recognising and managing my emotions. Thanks to you, of course. :)

Also, can you please let me know what are the subsequent charges on this platform after the initial free session? In case you are using their service?

Hey! Sure, thanks for the info.

I’m doing fine. Not that great but not that bad, either. Still living with them so, they keep disappointing me everyday with their toxic actions and thoughts, hahaha. Nothing new there. But I feel that I’m getting better and better at coping with this situation and becoming stronger in handling it.