Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Hello, I am a new user on this site therefore this is my first time posting.

Warning: This is a bit of a long post.

Currently, I have been feeling very much confused and afraid of myself, not about my sexual orientation. My mind has been filled with worry regarding my future, my school, and my family. My sisters say that I shouldn’t mind family problems, however, I’m the type of person that cares too much about others to the point where even if it isn’t my problem I start to become very worried. I am not as headstrong as them and it is so difficult for me to ignore this. There are times where I do forget about these problems but it feels like I’m cheating, and in the end, the problems come back running to me. Most of the family members actually drag me into their drama either intentionally or not, and it has been messing with my mental health.

Every month since the start of the school year, I experience severe burnout from school work. I feel like my depression is coming back, but I’m not really sure. Right now, I have about maybe 10 to 20 outputs that need to be worked on but I just don’t have it in me to move, and when I do my mind just doesn’t turn on and I get EASILY distracted.

I’ve passed almost all of my outputs since the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Semesters, and now I just don’t want to do it anymore. I’m late on submissions and I have been skipping my online classes. The pressure and anxiety I receive from both my family problems and school problems is suffocating me and it is getting hard for me to breathe. I’m afraid to speak about my feelings because I don’t want to burden them. I want to take a break from school but then I questioned myself “What are you going to do then?” I can’t just sit and lay on my bed all day like a spoiled brat because I would feel extremely guilty. If I try to help my mother with chores, she sometimes insists that I stop and let her handle it.

There are so many emotions mixing inside me and I just want it to stop. I want to go to therapy to sort these emotions out, as well as the negative thoughts and bad memories that have been excessively popping in my mind daily. However, we don’t have the money and my family still has to pay for our tuition, house, necessities, and loans.

I am afraid to fail and repeat. I am afraid to disappoint them. I am afraid of their reactions. I am afraid of what will happen in the future. Right now, it feels like there is no escape route for me to go and I can’t let out all these feelings on my friends since they might be going through something bad as well, and it might affect their mental health too.

There are a lot of things that I want to say but it’s hard to explain.

Thank you for reading, I hope you continue your day with good vibes.