Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Hello anybody, this year I’m graduating from high school. In this moment is ok if you guys don’t have any advice, I just want to vent out, and express my feelings to somebody. The truth is that I have never had a good self esteem, throughout primary I accepted it, but right now in high school when COVID hit i just fell into an extreme depression. I was always careful of my grades, but I didn’t even attend classes, I stopped talking to everybody, and eventually I stopped receiving any messages at all. I fell into a deeper depression, stopped caring for my body, my room was a mess, and I never went outside my home. It has been the loneliest, and shittiest I have ever felt in my entire life. I started making a change, started saying hi every morning to my friends, but it wasn’t the same. They seemed to have other friends by their sides, and the one friend I did get close to was very toxic. Fast forward to 2021 after much effort I have gotten closer once again to my friends, but at the same time I feel lonely most days, I feel like I’m always the last choice no matter how much effort I put into the relationship. The truth is that is the least of my problems, my self esteem is the worst it’s ever been, I hate everything, i hate my scars, and my cellulite, I hate my face, my skin full of pimples, my frizzy hair, my lack of chest, and big legs. I know I shouldn’t, but I compare to the girls on social media, and I’m no where near the average beauty. I have always had weight issues, I have been in and out nutritionist since 9, everybody in my family has clear skin and skinny bodies except for me, i feel jealous of their beauty, but I still love them, they are great people, and then I feel guilty. My brother has received compliments since he was young, not only by family members, but also strangers and in school, i have never gotten compliments, I’m always invisible in school to teachers and classmates, and when my family do comment they only talk about how bad my acne had gotten. My mind runs over and over the thoughts of you’ll never be pretty, your always the ugliest, it’s better if you just starve yourself, no matter how hard you try no one will love you, kill yourself, get away from everybody. Lastly university is taking a big toll on me, I have no idea what I want to do, and im leaving my home country because it’s extremely poor, I’m scared of leaving my family and ending even more alone. Thanks for listening.