Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

First off, let me say I’m 7 months pregnant with my 4th child. My husband and I have been together for 8 years. I love my husband. Around our 4 year mark… I went through a bad depression. I felt alone, I felt like my husband wasn’t there for me, I felt like everything was falling apart. For no reason in particular other than the stresses of life and being a stay at home mom and never having a moment to just be me without all the extras. During this time I was weak. I was starving for any recognization as me, an individual person who had talents, dreams, conversations about anything but mom life. I wanted someone to see the fun me. The want to be around me, me. I needed someone to find me new and interesting because at this point, even though I loved my husband, and I knew he loved me… I felt forgotten and ignored. Like what I did and had to offer was either just a burden or not enough. I was not enough. I am still not enough. I will probably never be enough. Anyways, like most people who feel this way, sometimes weather you’re looking for it, wishing you had it, or completely oblivious… I attracted the attention of someone who wanted to know me. It was my husband’s best friend. I know, I’m disgusting. This fully proving I’m not worthy and deserving of anyone or anything that I have or might come my way. So we talked for awhile, we all hung out as friends we also talked when we weren’t all hanging out together. The more I could be just me… the more flirtatious I became. He obviously made it easy for me to feel flattered because his intentions weren’t on the up either. He wasn’t just trying to be my friend. So I was weak. I took the attention I felt I was missing. I flirted and I behaved in a way that was completely wrong. I NEVER slept with this guy… but we had quite a few heated conversations and JUST hung out a couple times when my husband wasn’t home. I never kissed him or had any sexual physical contact with him. But I am still wrong and I know that. Eventually my husband found out… and when he found out, I was already on the verge of telling him anyway… because I knew what I was doing was wrong and I hated myself for it. Long story short, he forgave me for talking to his friend. He wanted to know everything. I was honest, I told him I never cheated physically… I never had sex with his friend. But I did leave out a bit of details. Like how long I had been talking to him, that we met up and just hung out a few times without him and I never told him about the couple raunchy snap chat clips I sent to him either. I didn’t want to hurt him more than I already did and I was really scared I had or would have lost my devoted husband and family. Still with me? I know how you feel about me at this point and I completely 100% think it too. Now, fast foward a couple years since this traumatic exposure happened and all was over time forgiven and moved past. My husband randomly decided a few days ago to message this guy and reconcile their friendship… and ask to hangout. My stomach has been in knots over it all day. The guilt is making me sick. The anxiety and fear of this guy and my husband becoming close again and eventually opening up about what had happened to each other… and maybe this guy will mention something I didn’t. I’m afraid of losing my husband. I’m afraid he will learn of the details I left out and open healed wounds. I just can’t be content or be okay with this friendship after what we’ve been through together. It’s extremely awkward and a reminder of the burden and piece of shit that I myself know I am. This is not a part of my life I’m proud of. And I’ve buried it to suppress my true self image. I know I’m not worthy of telling him who he can be friends with and can’t… I know it’s selfish and wrong… but I don’t feel wrong about my feelings. I’m just at a loss. Anyone have any insight? Feelings? Words of encouragement? Similar situations? How did you handle it? How would you handle
It?