Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

First of all thank you for reading and commenting.
There is this word the Germans have “Weltschmerz”. It literally translates as the world’s pain and it is a feeling that many of us often have. We suffer for how imperfect and unfair the world is and we ache and it affects our will even to live.
I have to say somethings about me to give context, first of all I’m an incredibly intelligent person capable of many thing. I’ve been very successful in many aspects, I have two masters degrees and two PhD’s and I speak five languages. Also, I have bipolar disorder which destabilizes me and kills my intelligence sort of like in a video game when the character losses his powers. I tend to gain those powers later on but is very difficult and the struggle is terrible.
It’s not my fault I have this disease, is more my ancestors fault because genetics play a big part but no blame can be placed. It’s something you can’t control, medication can help but they are not magic potions. If you have a terrible case of diarrhea you can’t walk it off! You’ll probably soil yourself no matter how hard you try and the same thing happens with bipolar disorder especially in depression which is the worsem maniac episodes however harmful on the long run are quite enjoyable.
I have worked very hard in my life and I have achieved an amount of wealth and experience that is known by very few on their lifetimes, however, I’ve lost it all and today I don’t have two dimes to rub together.
I moved a few times to other countries and now I’m stuck in Spain. I came here because I happen to have inherited the citizenship from my grandfather who was born in here and I never met. In plain words I hate it here! Everyday is a new frustration. People have an attitude that I find very strange, they say they work to live and not live to work which actually sounds pretty nice and appealing. The problem is that very little can be done in this country. In other places I’ve lived will takes you very far, but in here, no matter what you do you still have to go through the slow processes they are used to. For example, I had gallstones and in January I passed a stone which was excruciatingly painful. The ambulance showed up about 90 minutes after I was shouting my lungs out and crying like a starving baby. They gave me a shot of morphine and took me to the ER. I knew I had gallstones and that I would eventually need surgery, in fact, I had to program the surgery in order to avoid what happened. As I got to the ER, free of pain and high on morphine, and I assume I could have a knife stabbed on my leg and I wouldn’t complain because morphine is awesome when you’re in pain, they drew some blood from me and after a few hours they told me that I didn’t have a life threatening infection and that it was probably gas, meaning a fart that wouldn’t go out and it was causing me the pain. As any normal person with 40 years of age, I’ve had stuck farts and never have I suffered anguish from not being able to release them, pain and discomfort, yes, making a show that includes crying and shouting, never! Anyway, I told the doctor that I had gallbladder problems and gallstones and that I had to have an echography done because if I already had passed a stone chances are that others are in line to go. He told me I had to go through the proper channels with my doctor for a series of tests to determine what I had and that in order to do that I would have to do several appointments and that it was not an ER matter.
Just FYI, it was a private clinic for which I pay every month private insurance and it’s supposed to be prestigious.
Then, the fun part begins, I had to make an appointment with a “digestive system” doctor which is what they call gastroenterologists in here and he of course sent me to do an echography which must have and could have easily been done in the ER in 10 minutes. Then I got the results of that test and I had to make another appointment. On the second appointment I had to do some other tests and when they were ready I had to make a third appointment. The third appointment I got the “news” which were not news at all that I needed surgery, so I had to make an appointment with the digestive system surgeon. It’s important to note that for the appointments you might need to wait a week or two or three. So, I got the appointment with the surgeon and he told me “you need surgery” which I knew. Then he told me I’d have to make an appointment with the anesthesiologist which I did and when I finally got to him he sent me for some more tests. After the tests were done, I made another appointment with the anesthesiologist and he told me that yes, I was a candidate for surgery and that I had to make an appointment with the surgeon again, which I did and it took a few weeks. The day I showed for the appointment, I found myself in the waiting room for over two hours with my ticket with the number for me to be called, so I decided to ask the rude reception lady and she told me the doctor was gone for the day, that he must have forgotten to call me and I should make a new appointment. There was not an apology of any kind just a “what can you do, right?” attitude. I was so upset that I made an appointment with another surgeon who happened to be not Spanish and I was super happy about that. She however told me the bad news, the first badge of tests had expired because three months had gone by and I needed to make them again, but she helped me to make them in the next few days and with that in mind she scheduled me for surgery, so when the test were done and I was again a candidate for surgery, the surgery was already scheduled.
During those four months I ate nothing other than toasted bread, turkey breast, oatmeal and jam. I drank only tea and water because I was afraid that anything would stimulate my gallbladder and I would be in the agonizing pain I was again.
Before this medical drama, as I arrived to Madrid I made went through a Master’s degree program which I approved and made all the exams and formalities only to find out that even though I had paid the tuition fees and had done everything the program required, by some mistake I was never enrolled, therefore I couldn’t get the diploma and that I needed to figure out a way to solve this. Again, not an “I’m sorry” of any kind just go to that office in that building of the university on Thursdays from 10:30 to 11:30 as long as is not a holiday. Long story short, it’s been over two years and the pandemic didn’t help but I don’t think I’m ever going to get that diploma.
Then, I started looking for work, but since my education needs to be authorized by the Spanish government then I have to file and wait no less than 3 years and that was before the pandemic. When I starter running really low on cash I started looking for any job I can do, I am disabled and walk with a cane because my right foot had it’s cartilage destroyed after a terrible gout attack and now it’s bone against bone so I can’t be a waiter or someone that needs to walk fast, which never worried me because I’m a lawyer and you can do this kind of job even with no legs. So I started looking for jobs as a night guard, a junkyard mechanic (I used to restore vintage cars so I know my way about getting parts from another car, and things of the sort to find out that I have to have some sort of certificate for all those jobs, and why in the world would I take a 9 month course and spend a lot of Euros to be certified as a guard that sits down in a booth.
I got a loan and bought a couple of cars to get in good condition and resell for a profit. They were bough outside of Spain so they needed to go through the inspection and since it was the first inspection I needed an appointment which they never gave me. Then, the temporary license plate expired and the car had to stay parked in the street on a designated parking spot for which with time I got two fines for 800€ each and for which I had no money to pay because I was already broke depending on family help and they ended up at over 1,000 Euros each and the Tax office takes whatever money I have in my accounts every now and then. So, I had to tow the car to the inspection place after getting the appointment which was like a 500 Euro expense between the tow truck back and forth, the first inspection and the first expedition of the inspection “passport” and I certainly didn’t have money for this. The short term loan I took for this venture turned into a long term loan at a rate of 60% APR, yes, you read right and of course I paid until I just couldn’t pay anymore and still owed over 90% of the capital and over 1.5 years had gone by. Then, one day, the car that was parked on the street got towed for some reason since it was not abandoned or dirty, it was turned on once or twice a week by my friend and he made sure it looked clean and in order for me to get it, besides paying the tow truck and the fine and the storage per day, I needed a bunch of documents such as the inspection certificate and the registration which I didn’t have. After this little venture of mine, a car that I fixed, changed tires and brakes, painted, etc., was lost and all that I have to remember it by is debt.
My ex wife who is in fact still legally my wife but we’re never going to be together again doesn’t want to get a divorce because she doesn’t want to spend a dime (of a certain good amount of money she has that came from my golden days) so my girlfriend can not marry me in order to get a resident permit after 2.5 years together and she has an illegal immigrant statute. I want to move to another country with more perspective but I can’t because I don’t have money and the very little money my mother helps me with is not enough even to live. I have to clarify that my mother is not super rich but is a wealthy person that has no problems in the financial sense and that she has on several times gone behind my back on business deals with people that used to be my friends to get her hands on the profits and has helped my ex wife make my life a living hell supporting her and lying to me in my face to take away any possibility I have to move a long.
Me and my sons love each other with blind and crazy passion and often talk in FaceTime, but they can’t understand why I can’t go to see them. They live in Russia with their mother and I need a visa which is very complicated to get in COVID times specially without money and their mother categorically told me she wouldn’t make a visa invitation for me under any circumstance. My mother is behind this and even though I know she sold some Real Estate properties and artwork that was worth good money, she tells me they’re living without money. I’m positive she has the money because other than someone draining her account there’s no way she spent it, she’s very cheap and lives at her parent’s house rent free. I was trying to call my boys about two months ago and they didn’t answer, of course the FaceTime account is linked to their mothers iPhone and iPad. I was very upset and even told my mother about this sorrow and she said that she must have a reason because of something I did. Then I find out that she was with my mother (which requires 3 flights and at least 30 hours of overall travel time) changing a mistake on the birth certificate of the boys which could have been done in Russia without spending many thousands of dollars on flights. My mother hid that from me and one day I get a message from my ex wife telling me she went to correct the birth certificates and that the boys miss me, that she got the older boy an iPhone and she gave me his number. There’s no way I could have guessed that, but I asked my boy why he didn’t call me and he said that his mother wouldn’t give him my number until she got back from her trip, which took longer than expected and she had to spill the beans!
At the end of the day I’m broke and depressed and it’s very hard for me to concentrate. I have no one to talk to, my girlfriend gets upset when I complain about my life, but I have so many things inside me that one day are going to burst. My health is deteriorating and I’m not feeling well, actually after the surgery I didn’t take neither the pain medicine nor the antibiotics they prescribed simply because I didn’t have the money to do so. I also removed the surgical staples by myself because I couldn’t afford even the trip to the doctor.
I’ve asked for help many times because I need to get over this and I need to give structure to my life but for that I need money and I have none. I live in the worst apartment I have ever lived in, in a region that I don’t like and with a culture that I don’t like and understand. All my family and “friends” sided with my ex wife and I agreed to that because I thought it would be better for the boys but now it turns out I’m according to them the worse person that ever lived and nobody wants anything to do with me. So I’m all alone except for my girlfriend who is a beautiful smart and tall blue eyed blond and to be honest I can’t quite understand why she hasn’t run far and fast away from me because I’m not the jolliest person to be around most of the time, I try, but sometimes there are so many problems that you just want to stick your tounge in an electric socket.
There is so much that I need to let out and it’s killing me, I have no energy and I know that potential clients or colleagues that may provide me with an opportunity to get out of this hole I’m in sense my lack of stability and unfortunately the hole is getting deeper and deeper.