FEELING VERY GUILTY AND FALSE
I had a friend I used to have a crush on. Everyone told me he was a very selfish person, but I didn’t see it. Eventually I realized he really is a person who only is interested in being close to someone when they can provide any sort of benefit. He used to say that I was his only friend, that other “friends” always betray him (we were 22 at that time). He moved away and I stopped talking to him (best thing ever happened, realized he was really draining me out). He now looked me up, told me his new “friends” told him off and asked him to stop talking to them. He is really depressed, and asks me to talk to him and tell him how amazing he is and not to blame. And I feel guilty, because hearing what happened between him and his former friends, I really think it was just another of his selfish actions that brought consequences. I’d like to tell him that not having any friends when you are 26 really talks more about you than about other people. Anyway, I won’t tell him anything, specially now he is really struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. I talk to him daily and ask how he is doing, although I really do it because I’m scared he’ll do something to harm himself, way more than because I consider him my friend. Am I wrong? Should I stop and be honest?
Riya Ghosh @riyaghosh
I don’t think you are wrong. You are doing the best you can do to cheer up your frnd. Look, sometimes, hiding truth becomes necessary, And specially at that when someone will get hurt after knowing it. Think, if you had told him/her the truth, if he/she had done anything wrong. Would you be able to forgive yourself…No right? So, don’t think too much, you did right by hiding the truth:)
Considering the given situation … I don’t think you need to even praise him or help him in self pleasing. As a friend or simply as a person (who knows his nature) you should just be there and listen to him (what happened to him, what he did etc.) without judging and no suggestions please !!
And one more thing for you to keep in mind … considering his nature as you’ve shared and based on experience please don’t expect anything from him …like he will be there when you need him or need any sort of help.
Considering the situation, I can tell that you are right. You can stop if you didn’t feel comfortable with it. In my opinion, you should try to talk to him about himself but in a nice way. Probably show/teach him on how to respect and talk with others. He is 26 years old already. So he should be matured enough to understand the way. You know you can’t always be there for him and he should know how to deal with it. But try to tell/show him how much you cared about him. How you wish he can get over everything and fight for his own
In my opinion, you as a friend can cheer him up, ask about his life and everything. But it is also your duty to make him aware of his faults and fuckups. A true friend is never a flatterer. Regarding his present situation, just think that how long can you do that. He will become confident again, go back to his selfish attitude, make and break friendships again and again will be back at you. It will be a cycle. Neither he nor you would be able to move forward.
For depression and suicidal thoughts, please know that you can’t cure him of that by positive words and ted talks only. He needs real help and should consult a mental health professional. And then when he starts to do better, you can sit down with him in a stress-free environment if you want and tell him what you think is wrong with his attitude. He will respond to it better. It will help him in life as you can never be there for him in each situation. Or you can just listen to him without any suggestions.
Running away from facts never help, especially facts related to life and personality. Sure find an efficient, polite and blameless way to talk. Keep a positive and solution-oriented apporach. You are a real gem worrying and caring for a friend in need. A faithful friend is the medicine of life. Cheers!!🤗
