Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Every time someone asks me ‘how are you feeling?’ I dodge that question because I don’t want them to see me crying.

I don’t know where to start from
It feels like I am struck in some kind of vicious loops
Two years ago when I failed in my first relationship I thought that was the hardest life could get
I wanted to set my life straight by studying
I wanted him to feel bad for living me in the middle of the chaos
Not wanting to live in the same place as him I decided to study abroad and thought that would help me and improve my mental health
Then after 3 months of living here(other country) I realized how stupid I was to think that my life could get any better
At least I had my family back in my country but here I have no one( it’s not all rainbows and unicorns with my family. We have a weird relationship but it’s better now)
I have a toxic roommate.
She helped me out few times and I’m grateful for that but she tries to control me
Control how I think
Control whom I should befriend
I also was there in her bad times helped her out but she disregards it
She always tries to remind me that I should be grateful for what she did and tell every single soul that My wouldn’t be this better if it weren’t for her. That maybe right but should give me some credit to for enduring all the shit after all it’s my life.
Yes I’m grateful and I show my gratitude in many ways. She is self obsessed and corners me. She always wants to be the center of every conversation.
She subtly bodyshames me makes me feel bad about myself.
She doesn’t want me to be independent
She wants me to beg for her help. Whenever I try to do something myself she waits until I do a mistake and taunts me for that. She doesn’t want me to learn. She wants me to be helpless friendless when she vacates the room next year.
I am an introvert I don’t talk much with people I know and incapable of making friends actively.
I act like an extrovert person because I don’t want people to think that I am boring
And she takes advantage of my situation.
I trusted her so much but she gets back at people she doesn’t like through me. I stupidly believed everything she said and started hating people she hated.
And most importantly she tells everything to her boyfriend. When she speaks to him on phone her tone changes as she complains like sarcastically.
I liked her at first but now I don’t know if I can even go through this for 6 more months.
My depression worsened. I cry all the time because of her.
She acts like a victim every single time
She plays with my mind
She makes me feel like the place where we live now is the shittest place to come back to everyday
I really don’t want to live here but I don’t have a choice
Now I am lonely and depressed and also started missing my ex.
Now at this point I don’t even know I am correct or she is. I always doubt myself.
She makes me feel sorry even if I don’t have to.
I don’t know what’s happening with me to me
Is this even a real situation to worry about?
Am I overreacting?
Am I the bad and naive person her?
I hate myself for this
I came to this foreign country to achieve something to make my life better to feel good about myself but everything doesn’t matter now.
I don’t matter to myself
I don’t even know if we call this depression