Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Constantly being sad, unmotivated, emotionally drained,anxious is very hard for me. Usually I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to talk about what’s bothering me and venting to somebody, but sometimes like for the past couple of months I really wanted to talk to someone. Like really talk.

I’m a civil engineering student and currently that’s making my life extremely stressful, unbearable in some ways. I feel like I’m losing my mind and will to live and if i was given a chance to die i would take it, because for me, suicide is something I can’t imagine doing. But like I sad, I’m under a lot of stress and since I’m depressed I find it hard to do any kind of work, it’s actually takes a great kind of effort to do anything, but my anxiety is making me think about failure and how bad I would feel about it. And still, no motivation.

Because of that I first decided to try to talk to my family, my mother to be precise. I didn’t openly say that I’m depressed and all of that, but I did say that I’m extremely stressed out, tired and sad. That i find it hard to get out of bed and the only response I got was her laughing in my face and telling me to stop saying such bullshit. So I apologised (like I usually do for feeling unwell) and never mentioned my sadness again. Since than, my depression worsened and I messed up my sleep schedule terribly, firstly I can’t fall asleep (usually i lay in my bed for 30 minutes up to couple of hours until I fall asleep) but when I finally do I can’t seem to wake up, and when I do, I only feel tired again and it’s and never ending cycle.

Also, for at least 7 years my friends never cared about my feelings. When I tried expressing how I feel they would always start talking about them selves, like what I just said doesn’t matter. So I stopped saying how i feel. Now I’m always good,fine and okay. Which is bothering me so much. I thought that if i was there for them, during their hard times that they would be there for me too, but I guess i was wrong…

Today I tried once again. I was trying to study for upcoming test (which was very hard since my concentration is nonexistent lately) and I felt this heavy feeling of sadness and stress (not like usual,I sort of felt like someone was pushing me with all the force in world, I felt really uncomfortable), and I was on verge to cry. But at the same time this emptiness was all over me, I felt numb. Like i said I tried again, I contacted one of my ‘’closer’’ friends, trying to explain how I’m feeling (how stressed,and sad I am, how I lost will to get out of bed,to actually do anyting) and once again they laughed and told me to stop saying such things, it was sort of like ‘’you can’t feel like that,why would you even say that’’. And that messed with my mind even more. I was overthinking a lot before, but right know I feel like my mind is racing.

I feel like everyone takes my emotions and feelings like a joke. Like I’m not allowed to feel like that and it hurt so much knowing that people that should be there for me, the ones that I’m the closest with (family,friends) don’t take me seriously. I think that they think I’m joking and over exaggerating, when the only thing I want I someone to listen to me and hug me and be there for me.

I’m considering going to a therapist, but I also sort of have a social anxiety and I don’t want to go alone, but at the same time I don’t want to tell anybody because like i stated, It seems like I’m not taken seriously so i fear that they would make fun of me, or think that I’m crazy. And it also hurts that having mental problems is ruining my life, my self care and my perception on life, but I don’t have a single soul I could give all my trust to (that’s also one of big problem I’m fighting with,people screwed me over so many times because of my kindness,which is very sad). One of my friends recently confessed to me that he thinks that he never saw me actually happy, which broke my heart, since I really forgot what real happines felt like.

I also apologise if my English isn’t precise since it’s not my first language.