Come to think of it 
I actually don't have any childhood friend who was with me or anything , 
My nature confused people they see an happy person in me who is talkative always smile bright, 
They are busy seeing my face my bright smile so they don't see the scars i have on my back 
Actually don't have many friends 
I know lot of people that's it 
I'm not sad about this nor happy
Happy friendship day 💕

Zia Khan

Even I'm busy 
But isn't it about priority 😅😅

I can feel u buddy ❤️❤️ everyone is busy in their own lyf can’t complain 

Intro

Somebody just talk to me idont know whats going on why are me friends leaving me 

Anxiety

I don't have any clue how to make friends. I have never been great at it and have only ever had a few friends in my life and I have always gained them through a way of mutual friends. Well now I'm 20 years old and have ended my last and longest friendship because I was finally able to deal with the fact that it was super unhealthy but I was scared to let go because she was my last friend. Now I have no friends and I have no idea what to do. And I've started a pattern of talking to people on dating apps because but having no real interest of dating them but just wanting someone to talk to. I'm realizing how this could get out of control and become very unhealthy plus how unfair this is to the other parties involved. I have no idea what to do and how to actually make friends and honestly any advice besides just do it is much appreciated. 

Friends

It’s hard to believe sometimes, We can pretend we’re normal people 

3am Thoughts

It's so difficult to me to maintain friendships, it makes me wonder how I will do in the future with more serious relationships.
I can form connections. I can go and make friends if I want to, socialize and communicate with a group or a community (with a single person is more difficult and I'm still working on getting better in that aspect yet...).
My only problem is maintaining them and my feelings along the way. In real life happened, but in social media occurs all the time. And the worse of all is I don't know how to feel about this... sometimes it feels wrong, I don't want this to keep happening, yet my actions say otherwise. I encountered a variation of people throghout the short period of life I'm living and I'm sure I will find many different ones, and when I make a connection of some sort, I feel obligated to put effort in maintaining them; I don't want to. Of course every friendship needs effort to make it work, if one wants to be comprehended we need to communicate about ourselves and all that... I just don't feel like it. And it's so selfish from my part, because if I need to talk to someone in a specific moment I go and talk to them but when they do the same (or just want to talk to me in general) I always respond late or make blockages of some sort.
This sounds so wrong. I know what actions I make and what consequences they lead, but the feeling that comes with doing them is stronger than my rational thinking. The constant ignoring, cut off talks, make up excuses, showing lack of interest... sadly just now it starts to sink in even if I was aware of them long time ago.
I want to blame to the way I was raised and how I'm ashamed of showing who I am and showing all kinds of affect towards others, how my inability to show my emotions due to fear of judgement and lack of understanding from others makes me incapable of putting all of me into a connection; making everyone meaningless to me. Also the fact that is difficult to form connections if we're just communicating by internet. 
But obviously, majority of this is a me problem and I won't deny I am at fault. Recognizing the problem is the first step and is good I'm aware. Bad is that I'm not treating it, and that means I'm not taking care of myself good enough.
I noticed my patterns when it comes to join a new community (specially on internet). Everytime someone wants to know me more deeply, I either 1. Walk away (which I have rights to do so if I don't like the person or they're neutral to me but bad if I was really interesed in being friends) 2. Let them, then I leave them into nothingness due to all thr causes I said before. And the cycle repeats itself.
Now that I'm doing a project I'm passionate about, I need to communicate to my partners and the larger community I'm in. Which is fine, I enjoy it and I decided to stay since I'm happy about it. However, it came to the inevitable phase of "we spend a lot of time together time to get know each other deeply" and it's... uncomfortable. I don't want this. I didn't want something more than a surface level. But it's inevitable, and I'm scared. Scared of how I might react, how they will treat me if I fuck up. I don't want this project to go to waste and I want to stop generating them negative emotions, hurting people. And it's so, so difficult. Because I'm so used to loneliness and my own independence, even if I depend in some things I rarely depend and let others in when it comes to my emotional side. I don't even know how my caring side is, since when I do it it feels fake to me it's uncomfortable. And I'm so sorry for the people I left behind without an explanation, for those who I abandoned, didn't give them enough care... I lost them all and even if I appreciate the lesson (or if these people were kinda shitty for my life) I feel the regret and I can't help but feel sorry. It's difficult, super difficult to control something I don't even know what it is... it's a foggy confusion and actions with zero feelings.
I don't know if I'm making sense now. Just a rambling numb dumb text, since that's how I feel most of the time when I'm talking to others. It isn't supposed to make myself feel understood even when at times I crave that. I'm putting my thoughts and feeling into place and trying to figuring out where I go.
I will try, I will try even harder to know how to heal this aspect of myself properly and taking care of others better as I go. It's a mess right now but it's never too late and I believe in myself and the fact that I can find motivation to keep going, like I always been able to get myself of off the ground many times.

when i was at my darkest, my friends were there for me. i promised to myself that i will do anything to keep them with me, i will be by their side like if we no longer talk i will always do the first move but fuck im so dumb. i am nowhere to be found. i felt like i am drifting away from them. they would always ask me out but i'm so tired. my soul is so tired. it is so tiring to reply to their messages even though it only concerns me. and when they no longer chats me, i felt friendless. i hope they wont get tired of me. i hope they wont disappear from me until i found myself. i hope they wait :((((

Relationships

when you have friends but don't have friends 😂😊

Maybe it’s okey being alone and reflect about everything, I don’t think I have true friends 

Growing Up

I hate being surrounded by fake friends that's why I don't socialize with them alot but I do feel lonely alot I just wish I could get some true friends

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts