Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

Brutally honest one -
So, I have a neighbour. He invited me for a small gathering for his b’day a week ago and I said yes then. And then I said no, because I didn’t know any of his friends. Heck I don’t even know him clearly. So I lied to him that I have visit someone in the hospital. I mainly lied because I hate meeting new people and I finally thought I am getting over my social anxiety, but no, chickened out last minute.
So I was standing outside because the breeze was nice and I saw him getting into his house and he saw me. I feel so bad for lying for some reason. There could be couple of reasons why I feel bad -

1. I guess I was almost caught lying and I hate disappointing people (my father was disappointed with me because, I stayed put late, dyed my hair, slept late, woke up late) I felt like I owed it to him to be there on his birthday. I don’t know why do I feel like I owe things to people.

2. He is going to study abroad and I was really jealous earlier because of the lack of funding for my course. He is an only child, so he went to many countries for fun and I felt kinda bad. Maybe I was jealous and don’t want that rush of negativity again.

3. His father is weird and judgmental. He keeps on saying shit like “my son is unlike regular kids. He wants to be a tennis player, likes japanese cartoons, and is so unique” When he said that previously, I guess I am probably keeping myself from doing what I really love and that makes me question my existence. And I start to question whether or not I even belong in the rat race. And also when someone doesn’t like me, I do so much to make them like me. Maybe I wanted his father to like me? (Also maybe because others’ parents like me? Maybe that’s my assumption)

4. I felt liked I owed it to myself to put myself out there and face unpredictable situations, because ever since pandemic happened, I have been nothing but a homebody. But again my social anxiety acted up again. I have gained a lot of weight and my appearance has gone down. Maybe the fear of judgment also keeps me from meeting relatives as well.

5. Maybe my father’s disappointments finally caught up to me. Like I said, my father was disappointed with me because, I stayed put late, dyed my hair, slept late, woke up late. My father is an alcoholic and when he says things when he is sober, things finally catch up to me.

6. I feel bad, because I’m super nice. I hate that I am people pleaser. I wish I could only and ONLY please myself.

7. Maybe I attach too many feelings and meaning to things. I do that always.

8. Oh and I guess FOMO. Maybe I’ll miss out on fun, or life changing moments (I don’t know how you get them at b’day parties)

9. All my best friend are leaving for abroad and I am scared that our group is break (which it will) and I’ll be left behind in life waiting for them because I apparently attach to much meaning to our friendship. I’m scared to be alone, I guess, because I never realised how much it sucked.

10. I feel like I lied and betrayed them

God. Help me. This is living and breathing hell for me