At 37 years old, my overbearing father is exhausting me. I travel constantly for my job and while away he has taken over my home, cluttering it up with mismatched garage sale furniture. He hasn’t spent one night out of the house in years, and seems content just eating and watching TV. When I am home, there is no peace. There is no home - just Dad. He critiques my business calls and fights with my tenants’ neighbors. He often yells to me, when I am on the phone, what “should” be said. I cannot work undisturbed for more than 15 minutes without him interrupting me for something, usually him cussing at his iPad or yelling about someone or something. We’ve had multiple burglaries where my things were stolen, yet every time I lock a door he complains that I’m paranoid, always cussing loudly and jerking angrily when it won’t open. Every thing he says is melodromatic, condescending, whining, and rude. “That’s not gonna work. We can’t get anything done! Nothing ever works!” And of course when he wants help putting up a picture and I have to leave for work, he rolls his eyes. “You have to go now? This’ll only take 5 minutes!” I cannot even go out in public without him saying something loudly like “look at that fat hog!” And the only way to get him to move out aside from formal eviction was to buy him a house “out in the country” though it turns out he doesn’t want too much grass to cut, no cisterns nor septic tanks. It is hard to convey how persistant he is in passive aggressive ways in getting what he wants at my expense. He yells at me when I mow the lawn because “There’s more important things to do around the house, use your HEAD!” Then he disappears to watch the superbowl for four hours. He relies on me financially yet it seems my 3 siblings and most of his friends have distanced themselves for obvious reasons. I cannot fathom how my mother married him other than it was arranged because of teen pregnancy. I’ve lost friends over things like him just walking in from work and throwing a basketball at my mom’s face in front of them. I just want to be around someone that doesn’t require me to tirelessly defend myself and my dignity, while not at work. Because I do get tired and give up, and he just keeps striking blows. I haven’t met all my neighbors yet at this new house we are renovating, but they are already hearing a bunch of yelling and probably looking out to see me being humiliated, while I am outside working on something. Unless I get a 0 down mortgage I cannot move out of this one until I save for a year or two. But I am doubting I can make it that long unless I continue being busy/traveling, which I am thinking is really just an attempt to escape him after all. In approaching financial independence/retirement I find him waiting for me as the next obstacle. I have not a home to return to, but Dad. I cannot reason with him; his behaviour repeats like a broken record.
Try letting go of your need to be defensive in the perceived attacks by your enemy (father). Opening up lines of communication with him to heal your childhood memories and trying some self soothing techniques in the trying moments will reduce your aggression and prepare you to face present reality empathetically.
