Arghh
I got a call from my clg work some work and my dad was shouting soo loudly and was giving very very bad words and rhe other person on call heard it all… I just muted it and cut the call and texted will call you tmrw in the morning…
I’m feeling soo shameful and embrasing like yrr my image is very good in clg and my dad keeps on shouting for the whole time with bad words arghhh

Not on me but on mom like he has very loud voice and was giving very very bad words! And we live in a small apartment so i don't have a private room as well it felt so weird to be on call and i was just blank

3am Thoughts

It feels like the worst nightmare ever. My mother wanted to get a tattoo but my father insisted not to. But the second time she joked about it he did not deny. So she asked him to come home and make it. I was in shower. And the moment he arrived my father started shouting on both of them(my mother and tattoo artist) and they started arguing with my dad screaming on top of his lungs. I was praying in the washroom I could die at the moment. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t live among people who keep on shouting on each other all the time. And no one respects what the other says. He did not stop shouting he was even about to hit her he was so angry. I came out and tried to calm them down but they did not care they started shouting at me. I wish things could get better. My father then forced my mother to get that tattoo or he’ll kill himself. He felt so disrespected. And I feel done. I can’t take it anymore. 

Family

Today I have a problem where my mom is in a country with me and my dad is in another one. They started frighting because my dad isn’t sending money and my mom haven’t found a job yet. My mom tells me to tell my dad to send money and to ask about why he doesn’t talk anymore but I don’t wanna because it feels like I am using him, then my mom just says that ohhh so you don’t care about me. And she keeps telling me how selfish my dad is being but my dad is the most kinder person I have ever met in my eyes. Am I being annoying and what should I do

Confusion

I don’t like my dad. Although he is very spiritual and everything, he’s a lot into women. And why the fu*k should we be scared of him? The basic facilities that he is providing us is his responsibility. I mean we didn’t ask to be born. You chose to have children. Now providing them facility is your responsibility. He had an affair . And whenever I say you were wrong, he immediately loses his calm. He is a cheap man.

I think my mom is cheating on my dad for the 3rd time .. I need help to come out of this 

Anxiety

It seems like I'm non existent to my dad. He doesn't talk to me unless there comes a need for it. Sometimes when I ask something to him he doesn't respond at all like he doesn't care or doesn't hear. I have to repeat it again and again only to get a nod from him. I hate it and gets extremely sad when he does this to me. I don't know why he do this. He wasn't like this before. We had a great chemistry long back. Is this because now as a grown up adult I'm choosing to be more independent? I'm crying.

Feeling conflicted or complicated? Dunno.

Today, my father died.

Before anything else, I have to say that my mother and father are currently separated. Not LEGALLY. They're still married in papers since our country doesn't allow divorce, and annulment is too... Uh, not really went their minds, I guess. It's because the same situation has been repeated for three times already.

During my kindergarten days, they fought and separated ways, but got together a year later. They fought again because of their beliefs difference and temperament clashes. That was during my early teenage years.

Then, the last time was just last dec 2018. The day started as normal as it could be, but then something happened.

It caused our feelings that were hidden inside to get triggered. Eventually, even I got my chest out of those unsaid words I've been thinking all these years. I was 21.

So... They got separated again. This time I was told by my father to 'get out of the house'. In response, I said 'I will!'

...

Since that time, I haven't talk and meet my father. I only knew that he went back to his hometown, a far away local province.

During these years, we heard that he got a new wife (it's because their religion allows it, but neither my siblings followed it) And even a 1 yr old son.

No one from our side (my mother and siblings) could confirm it as true. Only from those my father's side could we hear news from him since communication is not stable there.

Even so, we were not heartbroken. Why? For me, I don't really feel anything. Maybe a little? But not sadness. More like, 'huh? Really? Unbelievable!'

But when I look at my mother and hear her say it's okay and she's even glad that someone could take care of him. Deep inside of me wonders... Does she really feel that way? Maybe she's hurt? He was her husband afterall even after all of those years in conflict. Although she have already said it waaaay before that she have already given up her relationship with father and she only wishes that he could get along with their children— us. Unfortunately, we were not really close to him.

It felt like as if he's that strict relative that we don't want to talk to. He was strict, but not too much that it's unbearable. But, he isn't affectionate at all. I don't remember any moments that we laughed as a whole family, or even to me.

Yes, he laughed. But towards others.

Moving on to the current situation.

Last week, we were informed that he got attacked by mild stroke, so my mother and I hastily went there in a 7 hrs travel by land.

Mother convinced him to get admitted since he didn't want to because of financial problem. So, they sent him to the nearest hospital which is approximately 30 mins to 1 hr travel.

He was there for a night and was diagnosed. He has high blood which is already a natural cause. If he had maintained his medicine and took care of his body, it would have been fine.

He had 1 yr old son and a new young wife, and two kids from the young wife's previous marriage. He worked as a labor.

That made my mother and I to conclude that because of his work, his body couldn't take it and got mild stroke. When we were still living together, my mother have always kept on reminding him not to exhaust his self especially on a hot day. If he feels even a little tired, he should rest. But maybe because this time no one would remind him, he have ignored his physical aging body. For goodness's sake! He's a 60 yr old something old man!

It wasn't like he was financially lacking. The rental fee income from our previous home were sent to him monthly. Even if it's not much, but it was enough for a provincial hometown. But I guess, it wasn't enough to feed his new family... Sigh.

He got admitted and was discharge the next day since the doctor it was just high blood. We bought him his medicine and settled him back to his house.

It was decided to bring him to a bigger hospital in a 5 hrs travel distance city. He was supposed to stop for a night at another city on the way before arriving at the said city. This is so he only had to travel at least 2 hrs and rest a night, then travel another 2hrs.

We went home, my mother and I. It was planned that when father gets admitted to that bigger hospital, we could go there anytime since it's just a 1 hr travel from us.

But yesterday he got attacked by stroke again when he was being put into the car. This time it seems more serious. He was sent back to the local small hospital and was referred to the nearest hospital. However, this hospital is lacking equipments which is why we didn't consider it before. Now, they had no choice but to send him there because of the situation.

He was comatosed since then. And our relatives have said that he might won't make it. Even the doctor said some signals, vaguely they say.

We could only go there tonight and arrive tomorrow morning. But this noon...

We were told that he died.

My first thought was 'oh, so he didn't survive'. My second thought was 'is my mom crying now?'

Then... I felt nothing.

I couldn't feel sad. I'm even telling myself that I'm too indifferent.

I TRIED to feel sad... But it seems soooo fake.

I couldn't feel what I am supposed to feel as a daughter who have a father that just died far awayfrom her.

I am writing this letter because of it.

Am I indifferent? Am I too heartless?

But I really can't feel it. I'm thinking that it might be because it haven't sink in to me yet, but as I write this... I don't... I can't feel that sadness.

I even think that tomorrow when we arrive there, I might cry. Cry not because I lost my father, but cry because everyone is crying.

I feel guilty for being like this.



I don't now where my life is going so I'm going to end this. I am 22/F, i am going to graduate from dental school in next 5 months but I have nothing In my life. Today my trigger are my parents and I'm stuck. My father has been having an affair for past 5 years and my mom is aware about it but still can't leave him because of me and the property she bought as dowry when she married into my father's family. Now if she separates from him not only will the society label her but she'll also lose her families ancestral land so she will never divorce him even if he is downright abusive both physically and emotionally. She kindoff tried to expose him once in front of my paternal relatives and everyone thought she was crazy because she spoke too much unnecessary stuff and I really tried to help her out by explaining the situation about my dad but elders told me to not interrupt. After that incident my dad started to hate me even more, he targeted his anger specifically at me by telling mean things and behaving madly around me and I became more and more hurt by him. My mom would do nothing about it and make matters worse by telling all the bad and emotionally toxic things my dad would do and tell to her( I know that it's difficult for her but such things are having negative impact on me, like I would just have got out of my depressed phase and she would unload again). Yesterday she told me about the photo she saw on my dad's phone which was of that wench who my dad is screwing right now and I felt so sorry for my mom and couldn't do anything for her. I resemble my dad so my mom has a look of disgust on her face everytime she looks at me and she misunderstandings everything I tell her. I hate when it happens and being associated with such a dirty being when I haven't even thought of any guy in that way. I feel like I can't keep on going like this. I hope my sister takes care of my mom. I just wanted someone to know, why I did what I did. 

Suicidal Ideation

MY DAD !
It has never been a healthy relation with my father . He has never taken us seriously (us mom brother and me) . He used to run away after every small fight and not give a daamm about is until the next few weeks . Years passed away and we got to know about his extramarital affair . As we got know about this my mom me and my brother were drowned in sadness
Soon he started physically abusing me and I realised it in my 10th ...even my mother and brother knew it but didn't utter a word out of   some random reasons which doesn't matter a lot 
I don't feel safe to stay in my home at the same time my mom doesn't let me out ..I have frnds but not able to reach them when I need them 
I hate being daughter of some one who doesn't give a fuck abt me or my family except for a bitch and her family ...who can bare seeing their father doing everything for a random women and her family and not giving a damm thing about his own family I am really stuck.... I don't know what to do I'm psychology exhausted and frequently getting panic attacks . Can you tell me what to do.....  I'm just done with all this stuff

Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts