Sharing Our Innermost Thoughts

12th Jan 2020

Hey, so I am currently a high school student suffering from a load of pressure, as with A-levels coming up, it feels like the world has its eyes on me, everyone has different expectations for you, and I am scared of not being able to live up to the expectations with befall on me. I understand that this is a stage everyone goes through, but am suffering from anxiety and depressive symptoms. So, wrote the thing below to vent. Please do take the time to read it, as it would mean the world to me, and please leave comments on whether you personally or someone you know also has a problem like mine, as I want to find different ways to cope.
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The solution to a problem will always be accepting that there is one, then working towards fixing it, whether it be step by step, leap by leap, or being guided all throughout the process. - J
 
What is life? What is the purpose of life? To succeed? To love? To develop as a person in mind, body and soul? These are the questions I keep asking myself every minute of the day. Will I be happy if I manage to be successful, find love and be rich? I think not. There has to be a deeper meaning to it all, to life, to love, to happiness. There has to be a reason I was born, do I have a purpose to fulfil? A role to play? Or am I just another chess piece, restricted by my shape, size, ethnicity, while waiting for it all to end, for the sweet nothingness when death comes to take me. Will I be able to be to live up to the expectations of everyone around me, become something I’m not, do things I’ve only ever dreamed of doing, or will I take the wheel and steer my fate with my own hands, and not let all the misfortune and mishappens weigh me down, let the world define who I am. No. To that, I say “fuck you world, and everything that is expected of me, I am who I am, and if you’re not happy with that, fuck you too. And to fear, fuck you too. Tomorrow you could be walking home from work or school, and a bus could hit you, ending it all”.Death. A state of nothingness, the eternal sleep, or the everlasting winter as mentioned by some. Oh, the sweet nothingness, how nice it must be, no not have worries, problems or expectations to weigh you down under the immense pressure, and slowly crush every single bone in your body, while mutilating your soul, so even in death, there won’t be peace. Oh how I long for that state of nothingness, the eternal sleep, the everlasting winter or whatever it may be, how nice it must be to not have a care in the world, to have no regrets and awkward situations. But what if death is only the starting line to life, as with death comes life, and with life comes death. As to live, one must die to be born again in body, mind and soul. What if the universe was made for you, but you just don’t know it, as though the process of dying and living, one gains experiences, and when the time comes, one will understand it all, and become another entity as a whole - “GOD”.“GOD”. An omnipotent, omniscient, omnibenevolent being who made the universe and all life as we know it, who sacrificed his only son Jesus to wash away the sin of man. But what if God isn’t real, but just a figment of our imagination. A way to escape reality, a way to answer the unanswerable, a method to stay optimistic, a person who will love you no matter what will forgive as long as one repents, knows everything and makes the supernatural, natural, creates miracles for some and sends signs to others to do his bidding. Well, to me it just sounds fictitious and frankly, I just don’t believe that can be the case. As the argument that the universe cane to through a huge explosion which is come to be known as the ‘big bang’ is more prominent, and easier to believe, as there are facts and figures to back the theory. But recently, even though I said that I don’t believe in this so-called God. As in these dark times of my life, the period when all seems hopeless when nothing seems to be working, I think I partly understand why people turn to this imaginary being, this all-powerful being to help, and pray. It gives someone an outlet to express how they truly feel, how they have considered ending it all, how they just don’t know what to do. They feel shit, feel like they’ve hit rock bottom, if not, close to hitting it. And yet somehow a single confession every night helps relieve the pent up stress and pressure, clearing a load off the chest, even if just for a second. Yet in that brief second, one feels like they can breathe again, feels like they can live again, and have a more optimistic outlook at life. Maybe that’s why people pray to him, to God, as they feel reassured that whatever told to him, won’t get told to anyone. A form of stress relief, an outlet for pain, anger and sorrow, a therapist if you will, but one that doesn’t comfort you or give you ways to cope with the problem, but instead acknowledges you for who you are and doesn’t discriminate or judge, as like the bible says, man was made in the image of God. So god all in one and one in all, he represents everyone and we represent him. It shows that not everyone is perfect, not even god himself. So how are we supposed to be perfect if god isn’t? So, is the purpose of life to find perfection in imperfection, to find the missing piece to our puzzle, to make us whole, complete, ‘perfect’ in the eyes of our own as well as in the eyes of those around us.Perfection. Why is everybody obsessed with being perfect when everybody is special in their way? When everyone’s individuality is what makes them unique, what makes them who they are. Maybe that’s why people want to be perfect, or at least be perceived as perfect in the eyes of their peers. But some say perfection is in the eye of the beholder, but I say that perfection is found in symmetry, as if something looks symmetrical, it’s therefore aesthetically pleasing to look at, and so, perfect. But what if perfection isn’t found in symmetry or the eye of the beholder, but the heart of the individual, as we are attracted to people who perceive matter, form or beliefs just as we do, so making them perfect for us, like jigsaw pieces made to fit together, everyone has someone they were made for, someone with the same wavelength as them, someone they can resonate with and relate to. But what if we never find that person, or never have the opportunity to meet them? What then? To that I say, don’t worry. Destiny and fate will guide you together, just like they have for many others since the beginning of time.Self-obsession, narcissism, egotism. The story of Narcissus perfectly sets a precedent of the consequences which befall those who only have eyes for themselves, believes that the world revolves around them, believes that they are the pinnacle of mankind - the best, the ‘alpha’ or ‘apex’. Some may believe that it’s alright to be narcissistic to a certain extent, as long as it doesn’t hurt the people around you, and that at the end of the day, it’s just ‘egotistical individualism’. But I say no matter the extent to which the narcissistic characteristics manifest themselves in a person, it will always come with a price. Whether it be the shunning of those around you, or hurting those closest to you, one will always come to regret and remorse.